Xox.:Stretch to tle left....and to the right:.xoX

So i guess going back to school wasn't soo bad. The reminiscing part was pretty good. I got what i needed to do done and i have a huge load of work to do, but everything will work itself out. Anyway, enough about that boring stuff. I've decided to take up singing again, or at least TRY. I realized today that i am very off key. I guess its a bit funny, and slightly embarassing. Thats what i get for listening to music 24/7...I also need to get back into dance but i dont want to be in a room with people i dont know, which is a weird fear regarding the next part of my post.



I've realized that i need to meet more people, or at least hang out with the ones i've got more often. Maybe i feel that way because i havn't been around sidney or to serious coffee in more than 2 weeks. Hmm.
Speaking of serious coffee...i have some poetry i have to read...i feel like such a nerd about it. Theres nothing i hate more than sitting in front of a crowd reading work i am already self concious about. Its too bad it wasn't kept a secret that the reading was tomorrow. They announced it this morning and Addie watched as my head hit the table and i restrained the curses from escaping between my teeth. But ther is one poem that i am pround of and i supooose i can post it.



My dream is calm, still.
I sweep up its mist with my delicate hands
It slips between the gaps in my fingers
I concentrate on that one moment floating efortlessly away
In my dream i chase time across castles, moats, moons, glittery dresses.
It is always hovering in front of me
The fracture between us grows more like a canyon
with every attempt i make to keep it visible
Time fades to nothing and i am lost in a hazy sea.

Yup.

So thats all i really have to post. Nothing really changes around here much.
Peace <3

Big picture for a big heart

There has been quite a lot going on recently mixed with the fact that i want to write. I don't feel like sharing my own problems with the entire world because everyone has their own struggles. To make a long story short i think that this summer along with this next year will come with some big sacrifices and changes, but i have accepted that it is part of growing up. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
Sidetrack: Uploading photos to this blog is more than frustrating *sigh*



Work felt abnormally long today. It was even more annoying because i couldn't see. My contacts are busted and my glasses decided to break. Yay for being blind! Normally i like working with the saturday crew but i got very frustrated. It really doesn't help when you have bitchy customers. I think they should get a good punch in the face. So i decided not to go to serious because i think i would be a bit of a pain in the ass to hang out with. I do miss everyone though. I think i just need to relax and think about and prepare for things that are not only going to straightshot me to the face monday but also the bigger things. The picture below actually made me soo happy XD



I also dyed my hair today, so now i look normal as upposed to some whacky red/brownhaired freak, as stephan likes to make fun of me for. Yes Stephan, i mean you. I was thinking today...no one i hang out with, serious coffee group and school groups included have seen me with totally brown hair. Its not even much of a change. I quite like it though.



Thats all i really have time to write right now. I wanted to add some song lyrics. What the hell i'll put them here.

"So how long must I wait?
And how long must I stay?
Please let me know how to live.
Cuz i dont ever wanna feel this way
Again."

I dont know, now that i put them up i feel kinda silly, but its how i feel, at this moment anyway.

To end this very long post...i was looking through an old yearbook of mine that i got back from dad's and i came upon a quote from one of my best friends, one she lived by and still does. It read "Do what you want in this lifetime because you only have one. Simple words, but they hit me, but not like a punch to the face, more like a splash of refreshing realization.

Adventures away from my home.

This last week i went up to Qualicum. Fom some it would seem to be a normal adventure, sure, fun. It was much more than that to me though. I've said that i've wanted a bit of a break from sidney for a while. I hate to be stuck in the same routiene every week. Like, i can literally spell it out right now, but i wont because it would be boring. So i decided the trip was just the thing i needed. I sacrificed a week of school to go have some fun, becuase all the stuff that has been going down lately for me has gotten me rather edgy.
The trip up was the only relaxing part of the week but in a good way. That was because i was playing pokemons, and pokemon is awesome. We stopped at a pretty big mall, but since my contacts were busted i was out of luck for the whole seeing experience, asidefrom the glasses. We went for chinese food when we got into parksville whichi dont normally like, but over the week i've started to take a liking to...althought lettuce wraps still dont make much sense to me. We stayed at George's place for the next couple of nights. He stays up and watches family guy until three in the morning so i'm glad that i was not sleeping in the same room as him XD In the nicest way possible of course. Its a long walk to Qualicum, about 45 minuites and when it is hot out it feels like hours. But that was part of the fun i guess, the scenery was nice and i felt like i was going to get badly burnt but it was so worth it. I met some awesome people. I was scared i would be deathly shy and bashful. I felt like myself most of the time, i didn't feel like i had to make everyone happy, it was just nice to talk to everyone or even just walk and listen. Thats how it should be. I feel that i make too much of an effort a lot of the time to talk to people and it wears me out.
For the most part the trip made me very content and refreshed. Even the trip back even though we were tired sitting on the greyhound could have even been the best part of my week. The feelings of coming home and sleeping in your own bed is always a welcoming feeling.sitting next to a friend and just sleeping, or relaxing listening to music is somethimes better than any words at all.
Overall its good to be home, i feel refreshed, i'm enjoying the bus schedules in sidney and how busses aren't hours apart as upposed to 15 minuites, i'm glad about how close everything in town seems and how i dont have to walk an hour to meet up with my friends, and i'm glad that tomorrow i will have a chance to see some
familiar faces again.

Saturday.

I woke up yesterday thinking it would be any old saturday. I really dispise saturdays. Mostly becuase of th whole working thing, so i dragged myself around and moped until the last second. But there was sometething different about the day. It was peaceful and it scared me. My days are very hectic, even when i am at home by myself trying to relax. My brain likes to think even when i want it to stop. But saturday was different. It was calm, my head was silent and my thoughts left me alone. I had meaningful conversations without getting distracted and i actually enjoyed what i did for once. I caught up with an employee/friend. They have this weird way of...making my day with sarcasm. I don't really understand that but whatever. I found myself wondering what was making me so at peace because its unlike me to just leave things alone. After work we all met at serious coffee, and to be honest, i never actually look forward to going, its just nice to have a place to catch up with friends which i did a lot of. Usually i am very bad at multitasking and talking to everyone but i did. Peacefully. I think my favorite part of the night was when I went for a drive. At that point i didn't really care who i was with, i was concentrating on creating moments and keepsakes to look back on. Even if it was Mickey D's it was still satisfactory, i was very hungry. I hadn't eaten all day. I saw one of my friends from work, i remember thinking he was very shy. He's not when hes around his friends. It suprised me how much people change depending on who they hang out with. I laughed a lot that night. I guess by that point you could consider it morning. It was 2, reasonably late. We had an incident with the car that made me laugh for a good ten minuites. I remember going home and feeling entirely energized. Most of the time i'm very tired. I stayed up until four because my eyes wanted to keep looking. I'm sleepy today, but its a good sleepy. The satisfied type.

For a while now i've known that i have to move. No where far away but far enough for me to be far away from my friends. I'm trying to think if its a good thing or not. To me its a sign of change. Its like someone coming into my room and saying toss it out. No mercy. But then everything seems so...meaningful and you dont want to throw it away...and your to lazy to go to the store. Well, the room for me is full of my friends, not clothes. Duh. And the store is actually an area full of new people. I'm going to be seeing a lot less of sidney and more of victoria to say the least. I've never been a big fan of change. I've become confortable with the people around me and where i live especially after 17 years. I discovered a web comic recently that explains almost....how i think perfectly. Its very interesting. I get distracted and lost my train of thought. Crap. Well, i will post later when i remember.

Sicko.

Sometimes i just have to wonder whats wrong with me.At this very moment i am sitting here writig this....and hacking away. Pun not intended. Well, okay sure. Anyway i'm fed up. I want to get better now. Not later because whenever i get sick its almost like it puts my entire life on hold. I've gone to school once this week, not even for a whole day, only 2 hours. Of course that was of puure hell. My throat is killing me, my lungs are in immense ammounts of pain all that started from one little germ. Not until now did i realize anything could be more dangerous. Kinda funny. Thats like a midget triggering the apocolipse, except the apocolipse is in my chest. Loovely. I went to get drugs today and i couldn't even remember how to spell my mom's name...I hope that was because i could't think. Maybe its just an excuse. Its possible. I watched i love you man today. It was quite funny i would have to say, and that jacket the really awesome girl wears? I wish i could have it too <3 But then, i wish i could fly to Nebraska as well and hide in a barn for the night. Maybe go see some chicken slaughterings. Maybe. I wonder if yoguer is only considered food tha girls or gsy men eat...i've always wanted to know that. However...despite my rambling and my complaining...i feel pretty good, sickness put aside of course i've had a good week. Caught up with the closest friend and shared some memories worth keeping, even thought the zipper was quite scary i've learned how to trust, to laugh when i need it the most,and who cares when i have even a small cold...or a slightly bigger one. I think small events can make bonds tighter, not the bigger ones. Little things change your life the most.