Arrrg! what else?

Theres a lot to update, its been an interesting couple of weeks. I found one of my weaknesses and i have nothing better to do so i will write about it. Does anyone get that heavy feeling in the pit of their stomach? As it gets heavier it brings you closer and closer to the ground until finally your crawling on the cause you can't really get any lower? Its an awful feeling. Its not so extreme but thats the feeling i have somewhere. I didn't really know what it was until i looked at the playground as i was walking home from school. I had a quick flashback to when i used to crawl up the side of these yellow stairs. Weirdly enough that playground seems to be the point my childhood revolves around. My grandparents used to always take me there, mostly because it was so close to home.



Anyway, as i was walking by today i noticed that the park had been remodeled which kind of got me thinking about other things.
I've always been uncomfortable with the future because of it. Meeting new people, people i love meeting new people, being dropped in the middle of new situations...I'm not as good as consoling as i used to be either. I feel like i'm loosing too many friends and making too many at the same time. I almost feel like i'm unbalanced. Its a terrible feeling. I also found out that i have terrible issues with trust. I didn't think that it was too much of an issue since i havn't really ever put complete trust in anyone just for fear that i will get hurt. After a long talk i decided that it is better to have complete trust in someone and to NOT worry and have fun as upposed to not trusting and worrying all the time.
the problem is i don't know HOW to do it. Its so weird. I swear to god i have some genetic problem from my grandma that was passed down to me so that i constantly worry all the time. It doesn't even matter what it is about, it just kind of happens i guess. Oh well.

"I'm painted crimson and blue, she was a ruthless artist."

I feel strange being in a new society. I'm used to the older age of victoria, not the younger one where i spend most of my hours now. I've never felt so commited to these last few days but i have a feeling that soner or later that action is going to desintegrate.
I feel very....new, like i'm starting a new chaper without nessisarily flipping over onto a new page. There are some aspects that are the same and that will never change. Then there are the new applications that are new or growing more into my area of interest.
I feel very young, not in the physical aspect but in the mental. I can't decide if i am uneducated compared to those around me or if i am up to par. Sometimes i think i find my answer but there are always those with far more superiority than me. Oviously.
I guess thats always been the deal with education though. You are always categorized into one of two possible categories: smart or well, stupid. There isn't really an inbetween. More or less because those who do decide what you stand under are either or themselves.
Things are falling into place again, and for that i am truly grateful for. My days have schedules. At the beginning of the summer i dispized having my days planned out for me, i hated predictability, and now i can't continue my day without a consistent schedule without getting lost.
My thoughts flow through channels without getting stuck or blocked, i take my steps with more confidence and i feel that i am finally going somewhere, something i havn't really experienced before. That what i am experiencing is my own life without guidence from the people i have always relied on. This is what i have been waiting for, i'm growing up.

"You just get mad, like the adults you pitied. You must be growing up."

Super Agents

Today was one of those days where you figure you've woken up on the wrong side of the bed and dread the rest of the day. I was supposed to try for my license today because my mother said she had the day off. Seeming as she said day i took that answer as the FULL day. Apparantly not. She worked at three, so i didn't get to try for my L. A bit dissapointed i checked my message inbox and realized someone from Camosun called me back saying that we had to mail in our Criminal Record Checks, this has been an ongoing problem since the letter we were relayed tells us to both, send in the CRC to Camosun the first day and they would send it in, then at the bottom of the letter it says you have to have a copy of a completed CRC the day you start. Huh, confusing. So i had to run to the bank in the sun and mail that off quickly as i could because it takes 2 weeks to process. I came home to study a bit more and then found Addie bored online so i decided to ask her to hang out. We went to the beach and i painted her tonails sparkly...then missed and got some nail polish on her toe and thought oh what the hell, I'll paint all her toes! We walked down to Serious Coffee and had ourselves some...i dunno, dinner? And proceeded our adventures around Sidney We ran into one of my older close friends and we talked for a little bit then started to head home. Adventures started to pick up on the way back when we decided to fold Yoga panflits onto airplanes and throw them down fifth street, that was runied after a car ran ofer it...then we found green spkiey objects on trees. We questioned the edibility of these objects, since we figured they were hard we pitched them down Fifth street also and stepping on them to get them open. They smelled like peaches...but we decided not to eat them becuase that would be gross. Instead we found blackberries and tried to pick them, of course with clumsiness combined we were only minorly successful. Walking farther along the road we found a walking stick, cool. I kept it. Then we found a for free box, we wrapped all the stuff in the free box around the stick, including pipe cleaners, leighs, bracelets,wallets etc. It started to look like a horse and came in very handy for whacking blackberry bushes. We came across plum trees by Louise's and i molested her cat. I heard a "hi shannon" from behind a bush and i ran giggling like a little kid down the road half out of fear and half out of ammusement back down the road. We ended up at Karens and Addie and I decided that we would try and be Super Agents (yes that is one of our past times)to try and see if there was a cop in the cop car where Karen's neighbor lives. So we snuck out the door humming the "Super Agents theme" I hit a tree, she tripped, then i stepped on a plant and it crunched. Then i stepped on Addies foot and she sprayed me in the eye with the hose. At this point i decided that it had turned into a lovely day. I eneded up coming home a while ago, smile on my face and very happy. Anyway, i just thought i would share my adventures. I'm hungry now, peace.

Birthday Bear, Cheese, and Machettes.

This post is dedicated to Birthday Bear, the cerial killer.
Two nights ago a friend and i brought up how she took her stuffed animal Birthday Bear everywhere, since we were gone for 3 days she decided it was an accomplishment that she hadn't taken this bear with her. Somehow the topic of cerial killers came up and we decided that this bear could be one of them because of his glass beady eyes. Since we were on tons of sugar and it was late we made up a profile for birthday bear.

Birthday Bear is a cerial killer with beady glass eyes, he wears a scarf with cheese prints on it and does karate in his free time making noises like "pheaooo" "kachooww"
He drives around an ice cream truck, instead of the regular music, the truck plays a song called "everything is better with cheese and a machette" Once little kids are tricked by the so called "ice cream truck" and come up to the window, birthday bear grabs them and pulls them through the window and slices them with a machette.

Never ever ever put Jenni and Shannon in the same bed after Jenni has had Dr. Pepper. Ever.

In case you are wondering why there is so much cheese involved in this its because everyhting is better with cheese. <3

To a sick ol' friend.

I wish i didn't have to see you like that. Its one thing to have a friend get wheeled into the ER, but when you feel like you have no one else to lean on its one of the hardest and most terrifying experiences i've had. As i frantically ran around packing your stuff thousands of images rushed through my head. The day i first met you, just after you got out of the hospital. The times i dragged you out to the field at school, all the times you let me break down and cry on your shoulder and the reassurance that everything was going to work out. I wished that i could say the same to you. I know i couldn't promise it though so i continued to say "i know" over and over again.



I remembered the times we went to the peir to feed the ducks throwing bread over the side of the peir and watching them fight. We always had to go back and get more bread. The time where you only had to use one leg to pin me to the ground and i had a bump on my head for weeks. Overall, how you had made me a stronger person. Now you were the weak one. The one saying you might as well just die. It made me angry but i guess when you are in that much pain you ha ve a reason to say what you say even though some times you dont mean it. I didn't cry a tear, i felt bad. I thought i should be sympathetic and i was, i think i looked worried but there were no tears. For the first time in my life i think i was calm and somehow i held myself together against my odds. I'm worried. I dont have someone i can talk to and it feels like you are a thousand miles away and i dont have a way of getting there. Thought i would let you know, you're grandparents are awesome, and dispite waiting in that small white room trying not to drift into sleep i was happy that you were getting better care than i could give you. Theres only so much a wet cloth on your forehead and tylonol can do. I know right now you are probably sleeping in a smelly white room with tubes in your arms and i know you hate it. But thry told me you would me home soon and who knows? Maybe i'll bring you some of that chocolate you really like...and maybe do your dishes. Remember how you said you needed to find a reason to live? I think that you help others, even when you are in pain you don't show it. Thats strength and its admirable.
Anyway. I hope you get better soon so you can kick my ass in brawl or punch me in the arm. Maybe even tell a sarcastic joke or two. One of the Hellen Keller ones.
I know that you never go on this site anymore, but just in case i thought i might give you some words. Get better fast, because its no fun being stuck in beds with IV's taped to your arms.

Mr Fluffykins.

I was talking to Addie, extremely bored and all and decided to dedicate a post to her and my entire math class. But mostly to Addie because of Mr Fluffykins.
Basically i found a bunch of pictures of "Fluffykins" most of them were cats. It makes me sad, i always thought of rabbits.
















I hope this made Addie very happy lol

Visitors

It has been an interesting and hectic week. For once i am not working and for that i am TRULY grateful. I used to work about twice a week, my parents decided to change that because schooling is going to call for more than two days a week. Which i understand. However its an annoyance that every time your parents want to talk to you its about work and your shifts. And even more when they dont even ask how you are hanging in there. This is how my mum and i got in one of the biggest fights i have seen between us in a long time. I wont go into much detail but with how she kept bugging me with work and how basically i am living with no one around me and no money to buy food i got very angry. Upset about the lack of attention i was recieving and a grandma who was increasingly getting more annoying each day i decided to take up the offer to room with Chris. Mum decided to pay me 150 dollars a month to pull my weight (food, laundry etc) It's been such a sudden change that even after a week and a half i barely know what i am doing. However i am a lot more relaxed as long as i get my space which works out quite nicely.

I've been quite excited the last few days because Geprge is finally visiting, Apparantly becaues i had nothing of importance to to this morning i was vulunteered to go pick him up this afternoon which i really dont mind, i'm quite excited. Anyway i am off to pick him up.

Friday Fridaays

I had an interesting day today. I woke up thinking that hmm, maybe i should have a chill day to just lay back and do...well, nothing.
Mother called. She was wondering if i wanted to hang out. Well, i guess i have to because you're my mother...right? No, i'll hang out with you. I guess. If i have to.
She picked me up and i was extatic because i wanted a DS gamew that i lost a while ago called "Magical Star Sign" I know, it sounds gay, but it is by far one of the best RPG's i have played, which isn't very many if you think about it, maybe 3 or 4...but still, its friggin good. Anyway, after about 10 minuites of convincing her i got my way and we went on our way into victoria (WEEEEE)



So we went to Future Shop blah blah blah i was happy for about 20 mins...or minorly ammused i suppose. Then we decided to go get some lunch, YAY red robins! Great salad, server was cute, i screwed up his order because i think i looked at him funny. He gave us many free refills. I hope mum gave him a tip because he he was very nice. Sadly, i think the whole reason he was being nice was to get a tip (but i mayy be wrong, maybe he is just a naturally nice person)

We decided to go to some place called Ogden's point to see the cruise ships come in, it was pretty cool. I've never seen a cruise ship. After the first 2 minuites its not too exciting anymore :( But my mum decided to go on a cruise and proceeded to tire me out with mother talk. It was nice to see her though :P
Peace.

Okay, but maybe sometimes we need a running start.

This summer doesn't seem like the ones i have had before, i don't know whether i should be excited and looking forward to September or if i should be optimistic in case my expectations fall short. I feel that i should be doing something these next few months other than working and well, being a couch potato (which weirdly including being active...) I just feel that there is more that i could be doing right now. I was walking home today and it was a very nice day. I had a great veiw of places off the island and i could'nt help wondering if i should go travelling spontaniously right then. Just hopping on the bus and leaving. Then i realized that i could'nt because one of my very good friends has helped me refrain buying anything and hiding my bank card, great idea but very VERY limiting. Anyway, in that one moment i wondered if i had in fact grown to small for this little fish tank called sidney and if i should in fact listen to myself and explore a bit. I am very much looking forward to the adventures i am having some time this summer.

As for the house sitting that has been happening for the last two weeks i finally got homesick after the dog chewed through my purse, the duvet i had been sleeping on and my pillow, god knows what else she has wrecked. My nerves have climbed and it is hard to find some time to just relax, not that its nice having people around most of the time. The funny thing is that i like to be around people most of my time, i have closed off a lot more than i'm used to.
I got my Camosun schedule the other day. A friend and i signed up for the same course, Early Childhood Care and Eduation, we ended up getting in ALL the same classes, and that is not exaggerated. Pretty ammusing actually. Is it weird to be looking forward to September? Maybe...

Daaawwwww

Cutest love song ever. But cheesey. But i love it.

We should get jerseys cause we make a great team
But yours would look better than mine, cause you're outta my league
And I know that it's so cliche to tell you that everyday
I spend with you is the new best day of my life
Everyone watching us just turns away with disgust
It's Jealously, they can see that we've got it going on

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
YOu're ok with the way this is going to be
This is going to be thing we've ever seen

If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I gotta say is I musta done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I musta done something right
I musta done something right

Maybe I'm just lucky cause it's hard to believe
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me
And I know that it's so cliche to talk about you this way
But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
It's so very obvious to everyone watching us
That we have got something real good going on

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
YOu're ok with the way this is going to be
This is going to be thing we've ever seen

If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I gotta say is I musta done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I musta done something right
I musta done something right

Housesitting, Day...two i guess?

I got back later in the afternoon after attending to a very sick friend (get better)I officially brought all supplies needed to stay about 3 weeks. Laura thought it was funny that i brought a suitcase and two smaller bags along. We watched some tv series, i cant remember what it was called, but it was mid evil and cool. Since it was hot out Laura decided to get her swimsuit on and go outside and play with the hose, Rachel and i went with her of course without knowing the conciquences of Laura with a hose XD Sooo we got soaked, and Addie dumped glasses of water on our heads from the upstairs window...soo unexpected. She also locked us out so we rang the doorbell many a time, the tennants were talking about it, i sont think they like us much.



We tried to watch some of My Fair Lady and failed at staying awake.
Addie and i made smileyface fries listening to bach. The tennants officially think we are crazy.
Laura and i attempted to clean a hampster's cage. Not fun. It stunk because it wasn't cleansed well before *cough* Stephan.
Not much else happened today. Addie and I bought 5 hour energy capsules though, need i say more?

There is a present on my bed...i wonder what it is?

So in the past 24 hours i have decided to attempt to live in a house with two other friends. Addie, and Laura. Now i dont know how this is going to work out but its very very good practice. So, my FIRST day there was entertaining. The night was like a normal girls night out. Except dinner was thuroghly entertaining. Addie and i listened to sinister symphony music while making mac and cheese, i'm pretty sure the tennants hate us. We fell asleep later than considered early. I was very frustrated that i could not sleep, so was Laura apparantly. She almost threw me off the bed and threw pillows in my face. I dont blame her, i was mad at myself. We woke up early and attempted to soak Stephans Rabbit's butt in salt water. We had some fun salt adventures as we did not think to use a container of salt to fill a bowl as upposed to a shaker....We chased rabbits for a bit. Their claws hurt. We did our usual shinannigans in the afternoon and then proceeded to go to the butchers to get steak. Unfortunately they were out of irn bru...a dissapointment, but the skeak...omg the steak. We made steak for dinner, well, Addie did. Laura and I made salad. We lost some potatos in the depths of the oven but we saved them fortunately. I think we had a healthier dinner than i usually do. The steak was the best i've ever had and the steak was more than decent.
We became a bit more civilized the more we realized that working together got things done a lot faster. So the first 24 hours went well. I'm back at my grandmas but i will be back house sitting in the next few days. Yay for life skills :P

Belated Fathers Day...

This is in response to Laura's post.
I did a wee bit of surfing and found some really neat stuff on what makes a father a father. Its not intercourse and then oh suprise unexpected baby! You're a father!
I think at that point...you're a "dad" I think you need to earn the title father.
This is what i think/found...A real dad is someone who truly loves you. Now that word love encompasses unconditional love. That means they are always there to help. They hurt when you hurt. That they are human but will admit their mistakes when wrong. That while they will always be protective, they will let you grow while making sure you do not stray to far off course. They do not judge but try to help yet, they will try to provide what is important to you while teaching you responsibility and values.


I think this is the better definition of father. Now, MY Dad didn't always show these values but i know they are there. He never really told me he was proud of me other than once or twice, but those were important moments for me. I thinnk a few times he said that he was wrong, but those are also hard things to do. I had to always work for what i wanted. My family wouldn't just get me a bike because i wanted it, i had to deserve it even if it was a christmas present. But i think thats why recieving that gift on Christmas was so special. It was more that i had accomplished something or got past a major barrier in my life.
I remember i didn't get an allowance like alll te other kids so i started work as soon as i was old enough, which was 13. I remember thinking it was crazy and unfair but now when i look back on all of this it helped me in the long run and as i become even more independant i wont have to be weaned off my parents. I think that however crazyness i sound that i make a little sense. My parents always thought (especially my dad) that the more strict you are with your child the more successful they will be later in life. He grew up with the same disipline from his father, and i'm sure my papa also got it from his father also.
I've never taken fondly of my father until now, i always thought he was harsh and that i would never have the whole "daddy's girl" whatever that is. I always thought that my dad didn't know HOW to be a father. Maybe its time i changed that.
Of course, like every dad he had his obscure moments, maybe more than other dads but that made me stronger no matter to the circumstances. In the long ru i'm glad that my father is my father, and i wish him a late Happy Fathers Day <3

^^

No more highschool ever again. I'm extatic!!

Inspiration

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
-- Erica Jong



The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting
Your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life's betrayals,
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
Without moving
To hide it or fade it or fix it.



I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life
From its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
From the inside
When all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
With yourself,
And if you truly like the company you keep
In the empty moments.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover
- Mark Twain



Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is
our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most...We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Did I Tell You That I Like That Black Fedora?

Up until this point I've never had a week in my life that has been so pleasant and its total opposite all at once. Its like i'm multitasking my emotions all the time, its fascinating how it works, in all, i'm very confused and everywhere at once.
I've had some very srange moments this week that i think contribute to this factor.
I was sitting at the bus stop hoping i wouldnt have to wait long. I would have walked a few extra blocks but when i get sick i get weak and breathless. So there i was sitting. For some reason my ipod wasn't on me which is a weird occurance for me, so i heard everything that was going on around me and i was quite bored. The man sitting on the bench adjacent to me was talking on his phone. He had a knee brace and quite an intense one at that. He was making phone calls concerning some woman i would assume to be his wife. So i listened because i was bored and the bus wasn't coming for another 10 minuites. He eventually got off the phone, one of the community busses came by and he started joking with the driver, a nice guy. He started talking to me. About his kids, his wife, his pets....his life, and it amazed me by how much i could relat to someone i didn't know. He told me about his life and about surgeries he had had, about the leg brace, how he was going into surgery in a week and about how he had had surgeries from head to toe throughout his life. I'm pretty sure that was the pinnical of my week just because i'm so used to the normalness of everything that i forget to look for the abnormalties, things that make us unique and the people that make the world an interesting place to be.
The not as great part of my week came pretty much right after the BEST part of the week. I was heading back from the market, i was smiles and rainbows and exploding with sunshine and happies. Now for this next part you have to understand. My mother has gotten a little bit childish ever since she divorced dad because she never really DATED anyone else. She broke up with this guy (which we will call barasawa)
So, i was walking back from the market, listening to music, kinda skipping but not really and sniffing my nose (because something made me sick) and i see my mother and barasawa at the bus stop too close for comfort. Ther mother that promised not to answer his calls, to listen to his voicemails. Now of course i didnt say anyhitng to their faces. I said hi and went on my way in a rage and texted her later on asking why what who how etc. I feel really bad talking about this, but that was the bad part of my week.
Pretty much every activity i have done this week i have been questioning and analizing and asking why. My head wont stop working. I dont think its a bad thing but it makes me very uncomfortable that i cannot stop it from happening. But my week was great. I enjoyed the market. I was in a cynical mood but i enjoyed it. I made some bad comments i wish i could take back but i didn't do any damage that i know of.
Anyway. For some reason i have uncontainable ammounts of energy, and chocolate, i must go on a quest to turn this energy into sleep power because it is very very late.
Goodnight.

Wait, wait, there's a world out there...

1. I'm a very calm person, it takes a lot to get me mad, but my family and i both know that i get very pissed, and its not the AWWW look at Shannon, she's so angry...its OH...SHIT,shes mad.



2.I'm abbidextrus (i think i spelled that wrong) do a degree



3. I love all my friends, i have a lot of them, but there are only a few i let come close to me because of how many have broken my trust.



4. I love hugs, but i think its weird when someone you barely know hugs you. It makes me extremly uncomfortable.



5. I hide anger and uncomfortableness,and fear very very well. I CANNOT hide shyness, sadness and lonlyness if my life dependsd on it.



6. I'm only good at making friends if the other person is outgoing.



7. I laugh way too much when i am nervous.



8. I love to read write and draw, but these are usually overrun by the computer...hmmm.



9. I cannot be on the bus, go for a walk, or on my computer without a type of music.



10. I'm trying to learn Barenaked Ladies - One week from beginning to end.

11. If i'm embarassed, scared, or lying i rarely look people in the eye.

12. I love to make creative gifts for people, and i love to recieve them.

I stopped putting pictires in becuase it's a waste of my time XD

Oh the excitement!

I sit here on my computer sniffling away through a stuffy nose AGAIN yup, thats right, Shannon got sick. I realize when i am miserable, upset, or worried i talk in third person, it annoys me, because now people know when i am upset; but then its almost funny because i do it subconciously.
This week has been FULL of adventures and lazy days. Grad was one of the bigger events, its funny how at the beginning of your grade 12 year you are so excited and feel so old and cool...and then at the end of the year all you want to do is go aaaggghhhhh!!! But it really did pay off, through all the stress it was a good time and i was sad for grad to be over. I think the favorite part of the night for me was a weird little thing, me and one of my best friends playing catch with the top of a sunscreen lid. Its the little things in life that stick with me and i'm still trying to figure out why being idiots was so interesting for me. The most terrifying part of the entire day was walking in front of a room full of over a thousand people, plus your peers. In high heels. I decided to go barefoot.



A lot of stuff has happened this week, but i've also been boread at the same time, its very weird. A few nights back i was home for maybe 4 or 5 hours by myself and i went crazy, that cant be very healthy.
I've also had a fair share of mental breakdowns but those have passed. Usually i dont get those though.
I think the favorite part of the week for me was friday, even though it started out like crap the ending was of a fairy tale. Okay, just contentment. I stopped my the church, which i freaked out about for most of my day. It was actually refreshing in the least. A bunch of us walked to the park around midnight and stargazed which i havn't done in the longest time, i wanted to spend the whole night there. I think it would be the perfect spot for a date.



Tomorrow is the last day of school. I dont know whether to be excited, anxious, emotional, or just how i'm supposed to be. Yearbooks get handed out and its really the only reason i am going. But even that isn't going to be extrordnarily important. I've kinda seen half the pages going in there. I wonder if it is possible to be school sick, because as much as i hated it, its where i met people and where i had plenty of fun...homework aside of couse



Thats a big picture...anyway, thats whats been going on. I'm going to try and fight this cold
xoxo

Happy cat has temporarily run out of happy.

I guess there is a limit on how long a person can be happy for, because mine came to a stop today, which is a bummer. More than that. More than anything i would like to repetitively hit my head against the table or wall. But that would cause noise and the distress of my already psycho worried family.
I woke up this morning KNOWING that things would not go as planned, thats one of the scariest feelings in the world. The whole weekend has been a bit scetched out for me. I've been really quiet and shy for reasons i wish i knew, it came to realization when i was sitting in a friends hot tub last night. My concious suddenly asked myself "why the hell aren't you talking?" It was almost as if i was scared, grade 9 all over again.



Anyway, my alarm didn't go off in the morning, even thought i checked twoce just to make sure that it would get me up. Nope. I woke up to my mom bouncing on the end of my bed hitting me with a pillow which REALLY isn't as ammusing as it sounds. She asked me about the writing on my arms telling me jokatively that i would get ink poisoning. I thought she was serious so i freaked out about 15 seconds into my day. A lovely start.
So she decided to be nice to me and drive me to school. Okay, that isn't so bad, i appreciate a ride to school every now and then. She decided to update me on what was going on in the family since i am apparantly never around to experience the "family love" which we both know is a big joke. Apparantly in the last day or so my mother decided to tell my brother about her newest love interest. (the guy she likes asked for her phone number a week ago, i'm a bit thrilled. He has a yellow car.)
My brother proceeded to tell my Dad's parents, since my brother is terrible at keeping secrets. And since my Dad's parents are absolutely crazy they squeezed every bit of information out of my brother as humanly possiblr. So my Nana proceeded to call my poor grandmother as soon as she had heard the story she had forced my brother to tell and cried to my grandmother about how my mother was putting us all in danger and how becuase of this i was not happy. Which ias untrue. I have unhappy moments but i am quite fine. I just really dont like dinner conversations with my dad's parents about people getting there arms stuck in meat grinders and how to properly kill a mink. So i'm apparanly going over mthere for dinner tonight, probably getting questioned about my sanity and my relationship status. Hurray. *rolls eyes*
So i managed to get through my block two and halfway through block three. At this point i was working on a group project listening to music and trying VERY hard not to spazz at the person next to me. I managed to finish three biographys, a copyright page, and writing pages, so about 6 pages in total of work. One of my friends is freaking out about this project and askes me right when the bell goes when i'm about to leave for home trying not to act psycho crazy if i can finish her page. I flipped again. Yay. Bad idea. Dont ever do that. I ended up with the person that was driving me insane trying to get them to do their work watching as by bus pulled out from the bus stop not even 20 meters from where i was. Half an hour later i told him to leave me be and i would get his work done. And i did. And left the school wanting to rant my whole day out on paper which is basically what i've done. Its almost like therapy for me, i feel so much better. Anyway, that was my day.
Peace <3

Its been one week since you looked at me, Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy.

Mom and i are watching X-files. I instantly thought of The Bare Naked Ladies song One Week, the line "watchin' X-files with no lights on" ect. I found it ammusing. I remember watching the series when i was 7 or 8, and then again when i was around 15 or 16. I thought it was a good show. So i recently got it for my mom's birthday. Now i watch it and all i can think now is that it would look a lot better if the detectives and fbi turned lights on in the room. I would find it hard to solve a case on extraterestrials if the room was pitch black with only the lightest hue to light the face...

I've become skecthing out for grad. Not because i don't know what to expect, not because of the costs, but because of questions. They've been thrown at me from every side. I find it a bit ammusing i guess. I'm trying to keep up with getting tickets, signing forms, getting OTHER people to sign forms...apparantly deciding what i want for a grad gift...I dont even know about a grad present, all i really want is something to get me through school. So maybe some cash? Apparantly thats not acceptible for some reason. Oh well.


This weekend has been pretty exciting. Some friends from parksville (UP ISLAND) came down to visit. So a lot of this weekend has consisted of videogames and icecream, and nerdy jokes. Not always hillarious but mildly funny...i guess. XD
Work was a bit too slow today. For the last week i've been bothered by the fact that individuals still order coffee at Tim Horton's when it is about 30 degrees outside. I dont know, i really prefer a cold drink, and a sprinkler and ice cubes... Summer is my favorite time of year. Its weird times like these when global warming is evident when i just want it to rain though.

Anyway. Thats all i really have to write at the moment. I've been feeling a lot better this last week, i just have to catch up on so much school work. I'm happy grad is coming so soon even though it seems to be more of a hassle than it should be.
I think i will update soon. Peace <3

Xx we are weak, trapped in wide open spaces xX

This past week has been the most life changing and painful of my life. I've had to make more altering changes and deal with more emotions then i think i ever will. I let go of the person that i thought i would be with forever. I had to accept that feelings change and that if the feelings i had for my boyfriend were gone then it wasn't fair for the both of us to live a lie, aka me being with him because i wanted him to be happy and him thinking that i felt the same way. So i've cried more then i have ever in my life, i've never felt so bad for someone. But i know that the decision i made was one that was best for me. I wanted space, i wanted to be happy, i want HIM to be happy and not have me lie about how i feel.
Out of all honesty, through all the tears and worry i feel better. I feel like i've started writing on a new page, stepped out of my comfort zone. I think thats what i've needed.
My mom called me today asking how i was feeling. This was the night after everything had happened. I said i was trying to hang on and she immediately started talking about how dissapointed she was that i would miss school becuase of this. I found it very offensive.
I'm also sorry if i've been acting strange. I feel like i've been lashing out at a lot of people, it doesnt help when they have no clue what im freaking out about.
I'm getting through this slowly by the advice of a good friend. Take it one breath at a time.

Xox.:Stretch to tle left....and to the right:.xoX

So i guess going back to school wasn't soo bad. The reminiscing part was pretty good. I got what i needed to do done and i have a huge load of work to do, but everything will work itself out. Anyway, enough about that boring stuff. I've decided to take up singing again, or at least TRY. I realized today that i am very off key. I guess its a bit funny, and slightly embarassing. Thats what i get for listening to music 24/7...I also need to get back into dance but i dont want to be in a room with people i dont know, which is a weird fear regarding the next part of my post.



I've realized that i need to meet more people, or at least hang out with the ones i've got more often. Maybe i feel that way because i havn't been around sidney or to serious coffee in more than 2 weeks. Hmm.
Speaking of serious coffee...i have some poetry i have to read...i feel like such a nerd about it. Theres nothing i hate more than sitting in front of a crowd reading work i am already self concious about. Its too bad it wasn't kept a secret that the reading was tomorrow. They announced it this morning and Addie watched as my head hit the table and i restrained the curses from escaping between my teeth. But ther is one poem that i am pround of and i supooose i can post it.



My dream is calm, still.
I sweep up its mist with my delicate hands
It slips between the gaps in my fingers
I concentrate on that one moment floating efortlessly away
In my dream i chase time across castles, moats, moons, glittery dresses.
It is always hovering in front of me
The fracture between us grows more like a canyon
with every attempt i make to keep it visible
Time fades to nothing and i am lost in a hazy sea.

Yup.

So thats all i really have to post. Nothing really changes around here much.
Peace <3

Big picture for a big heart

There has been quite a lot going on recently mixed with the fact that i want to write. I don't feel like sharing my own problems with the entire world because everyone has their own struggles. To make a long story short i think that this summer along with this next year will come with some big sacrifices and changes, but i have accepted that it is part of growing up. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
Sidetrack: Uploading photos to this blog is more than frustrating *sigh*



Work felt abnormally long today. It was even more annoying because i couldn't see. My contacts are busted and my glasses decided to break. Yay for being blind! Normally i like working with the saturday crew but i got very frustrated. It really doesn't help when you have bitchy customers. I think they should get a good punch in the face. So i decided not to go to serious because i think i would be a bit of a pain in the ass to hang out with. I do miss everyone though. I think i just need to relax and think about and prepare for things that are not only going to straightshot me to the face monday but also the bigger things. The picture below actually made me soo happy XD



I also dyed my hair today, so now i look normal as upposed to some whacky red/brownhaired freak, as stephan likes to make fun of me for. Yes Stephan, i mean you. I was thinking today...no one i hang out with, serious coffee group and school groups included have seen me with totally brown hair. Its not even much of a change. I quite like it though.



Thats all i really have time to write right now. I wanted to add some song lyrics. What the hell i'll put them here.

"So how long must I wait?
And how long must I stay?
Please let me know how to live.
Cuz i dont ever wanna feel this way
Again."

I dont know, now that i put them up i feel kinda silly, but its how i feel, at this moment anyway.

To end this very long post...i was looking through an old yearbook of mine that i got back from dad's and i came upon a quote from one of my best friends, one she lived by and still does. It read "Do what you want in this lifetime because you only have one. Simple words, but they hit me, but not like a punch to the face, more like a splash of refreshing realization.

Adventures away from my home.

This last week i went up to Qualicum. Fom some it would seem to be a normal adventure, sure, fun. It was much more than that to me though. I've said that i've wanted a bit of a break from sidney for a while. I hate to be stuck in the same routiene every week. Like, i can literally spell it out right now, but i wont because it would be boring. So i decided the trip was just the thing i needed. I sacrificed a week of school to go have some fun, becuase all the stuff that has been going down lately for me has gotten me rather edgy.
The trip up was the only relaxing part of the week but in a good way. That was because i was playing pokemons, and pokemon is awesome. We stopped at a pretty big mall, but since my contacts were busted i was out of luck for the whole seeing experience, asidefrom the glasses. We went for chinese food when we got into parksville whichi dont normally like, but over the week i've started to take a liking to...althought lettuce wraps still dont make much sense to me. We stayed at George's place for the next couple of nights. He stays up and watches family guy until three in the morning so i'm glad that i was not sleeping in the same room as him XD In the nicest way possible of course. Its a long walk to Qualicum, about 45 minuites and when it is hot out it feels like hours. But that was part of the fun i guess, the scenery was nice and i felt like i was going to get badly burnt but it was so worth it. I met some awesome people. I was scared i would be deathly shy and bashful. I felt like myself most of the time, i didn't feel like i had to make everyone happy, it was just nice to talk to everyone or even just walk and listen. Thats how it should be. I feel that i make too much of an effort a lot of the time to talk to people and it wears me out.
For the most part the trip made me very content and refreshed. Even the trip back even though we were tired sitting on the greyhound could have even been the best part of my week. The feelings of coming home and sleeping in your own bed is always a welcoming feeling.sitting next to a friend and just sleeping, or relaxing listening to music is somethimes better than any words at all.
Overall its good to be home, i feel refreshed, i'm enjoying the bus schedules in sidney and how busses aren't hours apart as upposed to 15 minuites, i'm glad about how close everything in town seems and how i dont have to walk an hour to meet up with my friends, and i'm glad that tomorrow i will have a chance to see some
familiar faces again.

Saturday.

I woke up yesterday thinking it would be any old saturday. I really dispise saturdays. Mostly becuase of th whole working thing, so i dragged myself around and moped until the last second. But there was sometething different about the day. It was peaceful and it scared me. My days are very hectic, even when i am at home by myself trying to relax. My brain likes to think even when i want it to stop. But saturday was different. It was calm, my head was silent and my thoughts left me alone. I had meaningful conversations without getting distracted and i actually enjoyed what i did for once. I caught up with an employee/friend. They have this weird way of...making my day with sarcasm. I don't really understand that but whatever. I found myself wondering what was making me so at peace because its unlike me to just leave things alone. After work we all met at serious coffee, and to be honest, i never actually look forward to going, its just nice to have a place to catch up with friends which i did a lot of. Usually i am very bad at multitasking and talking to everyone but i did. Peacefully. I think my favorite part of the night was when I went for a drive. At that point i didn't really care who i was with, i was concentrating on creating moments and keepsakes to look back on. Even if it was Mickey D's it was still satisfactory, i was very hungry. I hadn't eaten all day. I saw one of my friends from work, i remember thinking he was very shy. He's not when hes around his friends. It suprised me how much people change depending on who they hang out with. I laughed a lot that night. I guess by that point you could consider it morning. It was 2, reasonably late. We had an incident with the car that made me laugh for a good ten minuites. I remember going home and feeling entirely energized. Most of the time i'm very tired. I stayed up until four because my eyes wanted to keep looking. I'm sleepy today, but its a good sleepy. The satisfied type.

For a while now i've known that i have to move. No where far away but far enough for me to be far away from my friends. I'm trying to think if its a good thing or not. To me its a sign of change. Its like someone coming into my room and saying toss it out. No mercy. But then everything seems so...meaningful and you dont want to throw it away...and your to lazy to go to the store. Well, the room for me is full of my friends, not clothes. Duh. And the store is actually an area full of new people. I'm going to be seeing a lot less of sidney and more of victoria to say the least. I've never been a big fan of change. I've become confortable with the people around me and where i live especially after 17 years. I discovered a web comic recently that explains almost....how i think perfectly. Its very interesting. I get distracted and lost my train of thought. Crap. Well, i will post later when i remember.

Sicko.

Sometimes i just have to wonder whats wrong with me.At this very moment i am sitting here writig this....and hacking away. Pun not intended. Well, okay sure. Anyway i'm fed up. I want to get better now. Not later because whenever i get sick its almost like it puts my entire life on hold. I've gone to school once this week, not even for a whole day, only 2 hours. Of course that was of puure hell. My throat is killing me, my lungs are in immense ammounts of pain all that started from one little germ. Not until now did i realize anything could be more dangerous. Kinda funny. Thats like a midget triggering the apocolipse, except the apocolipse is in my chest. Loovely. I went to get drugs today and i couldn't even remember how to spell my mom's name...I hope that was because i could't think. Maybe its just an excuse. Its possible. I watched i love you man today. It was quite funny i would have to say, and that jacket the really awesome girl wears? I wish i could have it too <3 But then, i wish i could fly to Nebraska as well and hide in a barn for the night. Maybe go see some chicken slaughterings. Maybe. I wonder if yoguer is only considered food tha girls or gsy men eat...i've always wanted to know that. However...despite my rambling and my complaining...i feel pretty good, sickness put aside of course i've had a good week. Caught up with the closest friend and shared some memories worth keeping, even thought the zipper was quite scary i've learned how to trust, to laugh when i need it the most,and who cares when i have even a small cold...or a slightly bigger one. I think small events can make bonds tighter, not the bigger ones. Little things change your life the most.

I've posted like 100 times today, well like 4. But I hate empy pages and writing looks nice and homey. So i uploaded some of my work so that i may entertain.
(keep in mind that this stuff is from the beginning of the year, so its not awesome, but its half decent) ENJOY! ^^

______A Simple Second_______

the only sound is a rythmatic echo

my beating heart bouncing off the walls around me.

My back aches from the worries of a heavy head

the uncomfortable humming through my ears is one of the only exceptions keeping me from peace

if only i one second to think.

the last thing i need is a treasure hunt, i dont even have the x, not even the footsteps

thoughts that shouldn't matter barrel down tracks in an empty mind

consumed by rushing hours and days

if only i had one second to clear that cluttered mess

and i wish you were here so that i could explain.

The only problem is that i can't, so you tell me it matters none

and that you're here, and thats all you can do

you've strung your guitar with broken out of tune wires that sing like nails

but for some reason you have kept them because they have incomprehensive meaning

when you're not here i am alone in a frightening empty world

i can't find the meaning of even a simple rain drop.

Time speeds by and i only wish that i could stop the grinding metal gears of time

because i want more than anything to adjust to the changes in every moment

to live in one soft tick of time and spend every millisecond of it with you.

_______Midnight Street.________

The streets are black as the sky

the pungent smell of blossoms suffocate my nostrils

my feet scuff across cracked pavement

i look from side to side just in case

and i hear the screech of tires

my heart rate quickens

breathing comes in short raspy breaths

the taste of cold on my hard teeth

two more blocks

i start to run, i glance to the back of me

the streets are deserted, neighbors windows flicker

my imagination makes figures out of flat shadows

the trees reach for my eyes and waist, pricking me with sharp leaves

i fumble for my icy keys and stumble up concrete stairs

shoving the key in the lock and pressing my weight to the cold door

i take one more quick look out the door to the streets

its calm and quiet. Harmless.

My breathing still echoes through the empty hallway.

___Short Story #1___

Amilie traced fingers with pale-blue nails over the deep crevices and valleys of the ancient couch. She decided a that moment that she would give herself two minuites before she would have to slowly start ambling towards the blue pontiac idling in the driveway . It hadn't yet hit her that she would be leaving the small town of Princeton with its residence of just under 2700 people, many of which she had grown up with and knew very well, 2700 faces left in the dusty corners of memories. One minuite. Amilie rose from the couch taking in an empty desolate room, whitewashed walls, and nails where pictures and their frames used to hang. A lonely room.

Amilie didin't take a second glance around the empty house as she slid out the unpainted basement door for the last time, not even as the pontiac pulled away from the empty lifeless building. It was too painful. The thought lingered through the car humiliating Amilie in silence: Eviction.

This is what happens in my head.

my thought...:I'm slow dancing with my head, pictures are running though it. Faces.
its...comfort, love
insecurity
this is stupid
where is your comfort, the love, the freedom you used to have...where did it go. Where is your life and what are you living for and why?
Will i ever grow old
we wait so long...is it worth it
we just die
we grow old. Wiser, but wheres the logic?
Dont you dare forget me. I'm no different then everyone else.
I've been hurt
We are never alone. Ever. How?
What if we want solitude, where do we go
we cant escape whats in our heads, we cant escape our...destiny
I just want to believe in us...is that so...hard? Why does it make me pick apart my entire being?
Why is it what i think about. Why can't i just do it.
Is there something i missed? Can i go back to my save state?
Its so c-c-c-c-contriversal. Everything
its not so hard
just do it
its not that easy
I just want that.
I just want it. Why? i dont know
find it out. Tell me if you ever do.
The nights hard to get through when your working at forgetting. Forgetting your past.
Just put one foot in fromt of the other, but just remember...
Eventually your going to kick yourself
Sleep. Tomorrows a new day.

who is it?

Who is that girl, the girl in transit gloria? Thats my only question.

I know how it ends so kill me quick

I've been wondering what the end of the world will actually look like. The only reference or clues that we have had are from the bible, but is there REALLY going to be a red sun? Maybe it is just another pariable, a story instead of a prophecy, or just one that is supposed to mean something else becuase i dont know the word for that. I wonder a lot about where we go when we die, why heaven is just not there...until we go there. Could it be somewhere up in the universe and we will just never have the technology to ever see it, or does it just...happen to appear? Another thing, forever is a long time. When people say "we will live in heaven forever"...it makes my brain hurt, becuase i actually THINK about forever. When i was little my mom used to always say that forever is just a circle, it doesnt have an end, but i like to think everyting has an end. So when i try to think about concepts such as this my head almost goes into overdrive and shuts itself off. Its such a weird feeling, a scary one.
Sitting at home makes me think, hard. And its almost foreign to me.
I often wonder what i could do for long periods of time that i would actually be confortable and content doing for long periods of time. Its a challenge because i cant stay doing one thing for long periods of time without getting bored quickly, which explains why i've quit every job i've had. People watching would be something i could do forever because everyones different.
I'm too tired these days. Its not even sleep deprivation. I sleep for longer then i should. Its like i have a battery but the battery is on the verge of dead and i have to replace it. But i dont have a battery...so it might be interesting to see what happens when i get to weak to put up with anything.
This is a lesson in procrastination...
Does procrastination have benifits without strings attached for later and how can it last? How long can you procrastinate something before it turns into something else? And if it turns into something else what IS that something else. Laziness? or is procrastination considered lazy.
Am i ever going to get anything right? I'm curious....
What is my purpouse here exactly and how long do i have to wait it out here to find that out.
Are rules put in place just to break them? or do we break things to produce laws that force us into tighter rule?
Why do car rides make you think about things you never thought of before? Is it the light that flashes by in the dark or the scenery that whips past your eyes.
This is what goes through my head, this is what i'm scared of, and this is what i wonder. Paper doesn't seem to work for some reason i am shy to point pencil to paper but i am at home on a keyboard and public site? I confuse myself. I think there are some people out there that know me better then i know myself. I wish i could meet more of them and they could stay around me to explain whats goin on in my head. But i guess its a curious battle between mind and body.
Die young and save yourself. Its almost where my head is but i dont want to believe that.

Screaming infedeleties

So this is my first post in a year and a half and i'm thinking this will probably be more conveniant then writing in a journal. So lately i've been thinking about whats going to happen to me when i get older. This is really scetchy for me because for some reason whenever i think of the future i flinch and try to push it out of my head, i dont really know why that is but i do. I also found out that i have a few conciouses (or voices but that makes me sound crazy) that talk to me somewhere behind that thick skull of mine. I didn't notice them until i went up isleand to parksville where i felt forced to spend my weekend. Thats when i noticed there was someone other than what i am talking to me. It started when i was getting a massage weirdly enough because thats when your supposed to be most relaxed. But it was almost an entertaining uplifting voice, so i am assuming that is the positive side of me. There are two more of these that i know of. One is the one that inputs on my decisions, mostly on the con's side of things and the one that speaks the most. The last one is the paranoia, the one that only shows up when my head is spinning out of control. i've only experienced this voice once, its like its screaming. Not very happy. I do wonder where they run off to when i am content. However, being happy without something being on my mind is a rare occurance. However the happy voice is with me now, i'm sure the others are sleeping because it is fairly late at night. Anyway, i think i need to come up with a name for the happy voice because at the moment it seems it is the most prominent.
Anyway. Its late and my ears are ringing. Maybe next time i post i will post my poetry from my more negative side. Its good poetry, or so i think anyway.